


Final Betrayal

by eilu



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Gen, Gender Identity, Genetic Engineering, Hurt/Comfort, Identity, Identity Issues, M/M, Richard Bashir is an ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-14 21:02:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14144508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eilu/pseuds/eilu
Summary: Julian finds out his father didn't just alter his DNA but his sex as well. A short story on identity.





	Final Betrayal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ssorrell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssorrell/gifts).



> With thanks to [sallysorrell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sallysorrell/pseuds/sallysorrell) for the encouragement.

**Prologue**

Richard Bashir was dead. Amsha took a deep breath, wiped her tears, and didn't know how, or what, to feel. She had devoted much of her life to her husband, supporting his every plan, agreeing with his every decision, caring for him during his illness. And now he was gone, and she felt her world lurch. "This must be what it feels like without gravity," she mused.

As she watched the medical staff make their final preparations, her mind began turning over the things she would have to arrange for. Preparations for the funeral would be simple enough; she didn't really have anyone to contact. Richard was always moving the family from place to place, and they had long lost touch with friends and family. There was one person she had to reach though– her son. There was something she needed to tell Julian now that Richard was gone.

 

**I: Unwelcome Revelation**

"Julian," Garak called to his husband, who was hunched over his research. Again. "We just got word that your father died. You need to take a few days off"

"You know how I feel about that, Elim. It's no big deal, really." the doctor replied with a yawn, barely even raising his head up from his work.

"My dear…"

"No, Elim. Just, no. Not this one."

Garak sighed and put his hand on the Bashir's shoulder. Julian's relationship with his father was an emotional minefield. Maybe worse. As far back as he could remember, the doctor had only kept up the bare minimum of parental correspondence. "Just enough that they don't rush here because they're worried, but not enough for them to feel invited." he had once explained.

Even when the man had fallen ill, it was nothing more than an occassional dashed off "how are you feeling?" or a few lines advising him to see this or that specialist, a far cry from the long, solicitious letters he wrote O'Brien, Kira, Ezri, or even Quark. Not that he blamed him; Richard was an overbearing, blustering bully, and his correspondence was odious to say the least.

"Look, if you really want me to take a few days off, my mother also said she was coming. I'll take the days off then ok?" Garak nodded. Bashir's relationship with his mother was far better, it was a workable compromise.

\---

Amsha sat across Julian in the small dining table. She had been here only once before, when her son had invited them over before his enjoining to Elim. She fidgeted in her seat, toying with the cup of red leaf tea she had been served, unsure how much of her unease was because of how thoroughly unfamiliar Julian's life now was, and how much was because of her self-imposed duty. She could hear her Cardassian son-in-law puttering about in the adjoining room. Though she had asked for a bit of privacy to talk with her son, she knew he would be staying within earshot, probably at Jules' request.

"Mother…" Julian said with an enquiring tilt of his head. "how have you been since he…?"

"Oh, I get by. Things have been different."

Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself. It was now or never.

"Jules, there's something you need to know. In Adigeon Prime. Your father had something else done. You have to understand, he didn't want to tell you, but I always believed you had to know. In time. Eventually."

Julian's ears pricked, and he sat up with a start. Something else done in Adigeon Prime?

"When we took you there, your father felt, he felt you would have more opportunities if… if you were a son."

"If I were a son? I don't…?"

"He always wanted someone to carry his name." She added softly.

Julian tilted his head again, a slight furrow starting on his brow. That he was already familiar with; it was a constant source of friction since he told them about Garak. "The Bashirs are a proud lineage" his father would always include in his letters. "We are an old family. There aren't many of us left." Unwritten was the pointed demand that he keep his last name, and that he pass it on to any children he and Garak might have. And although Julian _had_ decided to keep his last name, it wasn't for those reasons, no matter what his father thought or insisted on.

"Just let me explain everything, please." Amsha sighed, raising her hand for silence. "When you were born, you… weren't you. Not yet. You were a daughter. We named you Julia after my great-aunt.

You have to know, we were already planning to try for a son when you were two or three. I always wanted more children. But when your _difficulties_ became apparent, we put that on hold.

When we went to Adigeon Prime, your father realized, he told me, we wouldn't have to _try_ for a son. Not when the doctors there could just _give_ us one. 'They will perfect our little Julia' he said.

The doctors there assured us, you understand, that there would be no problems with what your father wanted. The additional genetic and physical changes were simple, and they had done extensive work with memory formation. Any memories you had from before the resequencing would already be vague, because of the procedures to enhance your intelligence. And of those that remained, it would be fairly simple for them to reinforce those that reflected the new you, and supress those that didn't. When we moved, when we separated ourselves from our family and friends, nobody would know.

To be extra sure, the doctors suggested we erase all the old photos where you could be taken for a girl. That was a little hard for me, you were so adorable as a baby, but your father agreed with them. It was for the best, everyone insisted."

Julian stared at Amsha in stunned silence. Initially he thought as a doctor: he was familiar with sex and gender therapies, had even performed some himself. But he had never, ever heard of something done this way, of not only thoroughly changing someone's sex at the genetic level but manipulating their memories to match. Worse and worse, the patient hadn't even asked for or consented to the treatment!

"Please understand Jules," Amsha pled, "we did this because we thought it would be best for you. Your father loved you very much and only wanted–"

"Ohmygod, ohymygod" he began to mouth as the other side of his mind kicked in, not really hearing his mother's words anymore. _Mother_ , he thought, could he even still call her _that_? Swallowing at a sudden tightness in his throat, he could feel a wave rolling inside him. Anger, betrayal. And then an explosion: "What am I? Was there even an _I_ before Adigeon Prime? What the everloving fuck. How could you let him??? And you say he– _you_ loved me? No! You didn't even fight for m– for her! Not accepting the son you had was bad enough, now you tell me you actually changed my–? Was there anything at all you even left?! You never stopped to think, never even– you murdered your daughter, erased _her_ from existence and just made me up! You practically ordered me off a replicator!"

Julian was becoming hysterical. He stood up with a jerk, slamming both hands onto the table. His body shook uncontrollably. Unconsciously, he advanced toward Amsha, not really knowing what he would do. Fortunately, Garak had heard his outburst and quietly came up from the other room and held him. Suddenly feeling empty, he collapsed against his husband.

After a few minutes, Julian turned to Amsha, hot, angry tears welling in his eyes. "Get out. Just get out. I can't… I thought the resequencing was bad enough, but this?

"Jules…"

"No. None of that. None of that! You never had _me_! You never had a son! There was _never_ any Jules!"

Amsha was stunned. Julian's words stung like a blow. Speechless, she got up and turned to leave.

\---

Inside their house, Julian held on to Garak and wept. Wept in pain of this final betrayal.

On the transport back to Earth, Amsha wept. Wept for the daughter she lost all those years ago, and the son she lost today.

 

**II: On Stocks and Scions**

Julian woke to the smell of red leaf tea on his nightstand. It was a welcome respite after a difficult night of tossing and turning in his sleep. Elim must have left it there.

"How are you feeling?" his husband inquired over his shoulder as he walked into the kitchen. Garak hovered over the stove, stirring something.

"Since when do you cook?" Julian replied, eyeing what appeared to be some sort of stew.

"I thought you needed something special, after yesterday. If it makes you feel better, the most of the ingredients were replicated." Garak shrugged, ladling the stuff into a pair of bowls.

Julian eyed the contents of his bowl as sat down. Since coming to live with Elim, he had become used to a wide variety of Cardassian food, but he'd never remembered being served this one. "It won't bite back" Garak chuckled. "Just my attempt at your comfort food. Cardassia doesn't have lamb, after all."

"I don't know what to feel." He mumbled, poking at the bowl with his spoon and taking a mouthful. He let the flavor roll over his tongue. It wasn't quite the same, but it was close enough. "I mean, what am I, even? What was she? I feel like I stole her existence."

"My dear, you're familiar with grafting, yes?"

"That thing you do in the garden, when you put different plants into one."

"There's a form of grafting that's a bit more extensive. A stock is chosen for its roots, and a scion for its branches, flowers, or fruit."

"Elim" Julian laughed despite himself, "I'm not a plant!"

"But in some ways it's the same, isn't it? Julia is the stock, and from her roots they grafted you to grow and mature."

"I suppose that's one way of looking at it…" he conceded.

"Do you know why they graft, Julian?" Elim added, fixing his husband with a warm look. "It's because the scion is often more desirable, and together, stock and scion are far better than either alone."

"I'm not sure I'm ready to believe that yet, but thank you." Bashir replied as got up to prepare for work. Elim's talk, along with the Cardassian "lamb" stew, was actually pretty comforting. He felt a bit warmer inside than he did since yesterday's revelation.

\---

"Elim" Julian asked as they prepared for bed. "In a grafted tree, would you say the stock still existed?"

"It would be impossible for a tree to live without roots dear."

"Yes, but no one ever sees the roots. And none of its traits will ever get passed on– all the branches, all the leaves, the fruit, they're all the scion's"

"Ah, but without the stock, the scion would be nothing more that a bud, wouldn't it? She gave you your roots, Julian. You give her the rest." Garak replied, pulling Julian into an embrace.

"It's just…" Julian huffed, "I wonder. What would she have been like? What would her life have been?"

"My dear, I've read the reports you've shown me from Adigeon Prime. And let me tell you, no lab could have given you your compassion, your integrity, your heart. If there is anything of Julia that lives on, I would dare say it's the best of her that does."

"Oh Elim" Julian sighed as he kissed his husband goodnight.

\---

"Will this survive in the garden?" Julian asked, handing Garak a PADD.

Garak looked at the pictures and read over the growing information. "I'd have to make some adjustments to the soil" he replied, "but I believe I have suitable spot for it."

"It's called the 'Heart of Gold,' a variety of Terran rose that's only available grafted." the doctor explained. "I know you said Julia lives on, in me, but I feel she needs… a memorial of sorts. Something to acknowledge that she existed, that she _was._

It's funny how I found this rose. I was thinking about what you said the other day, and I got curious about the practice of grafting so I did some research. Then I somehow found myself in a plant catalogue, and when I saw the name, I knew what I needed to do."

"My dear, say no more. I will order this rose and plant it as soon as it gets here."

"No, Elim. I'd… I'd like to plant it, take care of it myself. If you'll teach me how. It's… I something I owe her, I think, almost like…" Julian struggled to find the right words. He couldn't quite articulate what he so clearly felt.

"Say no more, my dear. I understand" and with that Garak pulled his husband in for a warm kiss.

 

**III: Phone a Friend**

Julian smiled as Ezri appeared on the comm. "You got the file I sent you?" he asked. The break up had been mutual, if awkward. But in time, both had acknowledged that they weren't what the other needed, and they had been able to resume their friendship.

"Yes Julian, I did. Christ, what we thought they did to you was bad enough, but this? How are you coping? Are you calling as a friend, or a patient?"

"A bit of both, actually. Garak has been a big help, but there's something I can't discuss with him, at least not yet."

"Okay, spill" she grinned, resting her chin on her hands.

"You know I've never been shy about being bisexual, but… it's just, I've been wondering." Julian began. He'd been giving the matter some thought, but voicing it out wasn't easy. "How much of this attraction is because I… or she…? I mean, does it mean Julia would have been heterosexual? Am I attracted to other men because of her? Is it like there are two straight people inside my head? Or did they cross some wires when they monkeyed with my brain, or what?

Don't take this the wrong way. I love Garak, I really do, but…"

"Julian" Ezri interrupted. "You know as well as I do how complicated gender identity is. How many factors come together. We can't just pick one and tease it out."

"I guess this is where asking you as a friend comes in." the doctor sighed. "You've told me you're exclusively dating women now, but I remember Jadzia mentioned most of the Dax hosts were either bi- or pansexual."

"Julian, on Trill, we aren't as fixed with gender identities, not the way other humanoids are. How can we be? Sometimes the symbiont and the host don't even share the same attractions, although it is a factor for joining.

But yes, most Dax hosts have been rather broad in their attraction, though I'm starting to think Tobin was demisexual and Joran was just nuts." she added with a grin. "It's not a hard and fast rule though. The Kyr line is noted for being almost exclusively asexual, both before and after joining. And there's a persistent rumor about Leevax being very, very kinky…"

Julian nodded. Ezri processing the past hosts' memories had enabled her to figure out her gender identity. But could the same be said for him? It wasn't like Julia still existed anywhere, not the way Jadzia, Curzon, or Tobin were in Dax.

"Julian, you're you. There's no way to pick things apart and say that was Julia, this is Julian. What they did to you… if it helps, you can think of her as your own symbiont."

"Garak said Julia is the roots and I'm the branches, like a grafted tree."

"That's a nice way of looking at it" Ezri replied.

"I don't know" Julian sighed, leaning back into his chair. "It's just so complicated and confusing." 

 

**Epilogue**

"My dear," Garak said as they stood in line in the Ministry of Records. "Are you sure?"

"Yes Elim, I'm sure. We've talked about this. The only reason I kept it in the first place was because it was my tie back to my family, back to earth. But now, knowing what we know, having dealt with the fallout of all that, there wasn't any tie to begin with, just lies and betrayals. Besides, I'm my own person, not Julia Bashir. I can't keep carrying her last name."

Garak put his hand on Julian's shoulder as a sign of support. "Just making sure, dear."

"And how may I help you gentlemen?" the Cardassian at the front desk asked, her fingers poised over a PADD.

"I'd like to apply for a change of family name." Julian replied with a deep breath. "From Bashir to Garak."

**Author's Note:**

> Lamb stew as Julian's comfort dish comes from [AuroraNova's Ties that Bind](https://archiveofourown.org/series/340588) series.
> 
> The "Heart of Gold" is an actual rose cultivar.
> 
> I was originally going to post this as separate chapters but it ended up being too choppy, so one chapter it is.


End file.
